don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
