i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
