I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
