You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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