I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
