I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
