I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
