what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
