The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
