you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
