Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
