i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
