Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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