but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
