I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
