I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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