i was born a porn star she said
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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