Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
