1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
