Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
