Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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