I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
