I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
