oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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