omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
