I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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