I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
no you cant smoke seaweed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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