1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
