The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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