i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
