If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
