I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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