After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
