just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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