I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
