At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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