she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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