I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
