woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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