whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
