plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
