He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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