I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
