I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
