They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
