the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
