its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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