In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
