u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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