im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
