watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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