She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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