oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
