you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
